Sunday, March 20, 2011

All Signs To The Contrary

People say stupid shit everyday. Basing a blog off of that is only challenging in the respect of deciding which of the many comments that make me want to pray for a swift death are worth reiterating here for discussion. Yet, on the days where I only socially interact at work, it becomes taxing to decide what to write about here. Although a great many of my coworkers make terribly idiotic statements, I'm a bit loathe to fill a blog with things said by people that are, for the most part, my friends. So, in the interest of diversifying your reading material, I'd like to discuss something stupid that the state of Pennsylvania feels the need to say to me on my work everyday.

Targeted DUI Enforcement Area. Please Drive Carefully.

First of all, thanks for the heads up. I'm sure the drunk drivers appreciate the suggestion that they should find another route. We'd hate to see someone that was overly intoxicated and unfit to be behind the wheel leaving one of the multiple bars on that road and be surprised when they get pulled over prior to killing someone.

Secondly, I'm forced to look at this sign everyday and I have to wonder, how many tax dollars did it take to make? At an educated guess, I'm figuring $50.00. The labor to put it up? Say another $50.00 (because PennDOT employees get paid better than professional athletes and they move slower than black people crossing the street against the light)

And, that got me further thinking... How many such signs are there?

I can think of at least 3 areas I drive through regularly with the exact sign we're talking about. I can name two areas that feature this wonderously important bit of necessity: Are Your Turn Signals Still On? Or one of my personal favorites; Yield to Pedestrians in Crosswalk. Just in case you decided to ignore the fact that a person had materialized in front of your vehicle, or you wanted to see how many points granny was worth. Even better, Buckle Up the Next Million Miles! Listen, if you're moronic enough to get into a vehicle without fastening your seatbelt, or ride your motorcycle without a helmet, you deserve your fate. My tax dollars shouldn't need to be spent on 'catchy' reminders that the rest of the population should grow a fucking ounce of common sense.

The next time you drive from Point A to Point B, I'd invite you to count the number of pointless signs you pass. Take that number and multiply it by 100, and then...wonder how much of your paycheck-donation to the government is being spent on such idiotic things.

I just paused in my diatribing to go out on my front porch and have a smoke. For fun, I counted the traffic signs that I could see from there. Sixteen. Now, I live on the corner of two One Way streets. So, we have: 2 Stop signs (important), 5 One Way indicators (a touch of overkill), and 9 signs indicating that parking along the yellow curb is illegal (no fucking shit, genius). At our established $100 price tag, we have around $1,200.00 worth of wasted tax money, visible from my front porch. Does anyone have the courage to look at that from a big picture standpoint?

If the government wants to waste our money creating useless traffic signs, maybe they could do it in an interesting and informative fashion. Here are a few of the signs I would like to see, in place of the moronic ones we already have:

Now Entering the Ghetto. White People Should Lock Their Doors and Disregard Stop Signs.

Wide Load Trucks May Disrupt Traffic Along this Road During Peak Traffic Hours. Especially If You Are Running Late for Work Today.

Old People Frequent this Road. You Are Screwed.

Bridge Out. Floor It Like An Action Movie Hero and See What Happens.

Icy Conditions May Exist. Thank God You Bought an SUV with 4 Wheel Drive for No Reason.

Pedestrians Worth 5 Points Each. High Score Stands at 2,400 Points.

Surprise! Construction Ahead. We're Going to Block Off the Next 2 Miles of Road So That We Can Work on 15 Feet of it.

Warning: Unsupervised Children Playing in the Street That Will Disregard the Fact That Your Car Could Kill Them.

Left Lane Fast. Right Lane Slow. Get In the Fucking Appropriate Lane, Jackass.

Black Folk Will Be Pulled Over Just Because.

This Stop Sign is not an Encouragement for You to Display the Level of Bass Your Car Can Emit.

Blind Child Area. Take Advantage.

Your Wife is Cheating on You. Speed Up.

Feel Free to Wait Until the Last Possible Second to Merge Your Obnoxiously Large and Pointless SUV, Despite the Fact That We Indicated That This Was Going to Happen.

One Way Street Does Not Mean You Can Go the Wrong Direction in Reverse.

If You Are Reading This Sign, You Probably Aren't Watching the Road...

That last one. I'd like someone in authority to further my education regarding this matter. Why is it illegal to talk on my cell phone while driving, an activity that does not impede my vision in any way shape or form, but it is okay for the government to place literature for my reading pleasure every 10 feet? And, following that line of logic, why is bill board advertising legal?

If the federal and state governments would like to spend my money on driving related issues, perhaps they could do it in a manner that makes sense. Maybe they could invest in the development of a new substance to pave roads that doesn't crumble apart every three months so that my summertime could be spent at the location I was heading to, not sitting in hours of construction (because, again, we just have to close down 2 miles of road to work on all of 15 feet). Maybe they could use that money to actually staff the DMV, so that renewing my license doesn't require taking a whole day off of work while I sit in their bland waiting room praying for the end of days. Or maybe they could go ahead and finally give us a cheap, clean and efficient form of public the monorail.

Our government in worse with money (and perhaps more crooked) than the board of directors at Enron were. We've reached a point where each fiscal quarter, they should be presenting us with a planned, itemized list of expenditures that need to receive voted approval before they are allowed to piss away any more of our money.

1 comment:

  1. One sign I always enjoyed was in the neighborhoods: SLOW DEAF CHILD
    I'll allow you to make your own joke. One I want to see? BUY A FUCKING MAP