Thursday, March 3, 2011

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Considering this is a blog dedicated to examining the stupidest and/or most outlandish statement to violate my ears each day, I'm honestly surprised it took us this long to get where we're going tonight. And, maybe that fact is sadder from my end, as I'm the reporter and retorter of all the idiocy that surrounds me. Just maybe, I have been negligent in my responsibilities and ignored the tremendous amount of racially motivated things said towards me each day, dismissing them the way most white people do, rather than being as insulted as I should be.

Today's Utterance of Ignorance?

"Who the hell does he think he is talking to a white woman like that, anyway?"

Good Morning Racist America. 1952 called, they'd like their racial views back.

"I can not believe you just said that," I replied.

"Why? Get over it, honey. It's not like I'm racist or anything."

I love it when white people think they can say anything they want, so long as they follow it with that disclaimer. My second favorite is: "It's okay, I have a black friend."

Am I guilty? You bet. I once had a black coworker state that I was either the least racist or the most openly racist person he knew. He just couldn't decide. This was after he, myself and another black coworker made the mistake of going for a few beers after work. The bar we picked was wall-to-wall rednecks and as we entered, I knew it was going to be an issue at some point. Being me, I beat them all to the punch.

After I had thrown back a few, and I needed to make room for more, I stood in the middle of the bar and announced very loudly: "I need to use the pisser! Can someone watch my farm equipment for me?!"

It ended okay, although my friends were clearly uncomfortable in the bar for the majority of the night. My use of humor to point out the obvious made most of the white people in the room uncomfortable, and a few drinks were sent our way.

And, maybe thats why I usually don't blanche at racial humor. The vast majority of it is based off observations of the obvious and used to make a statement. The vast majority of racial humor isn't meant to be hurtful, rather to diffuse the obvious tension.

Are there racial jokes designed to humilate and hurt? Of course there are. Are they funny? Not usually.

I gave up feeling guilt at my racial views a long time ago. To be honest, I don't consider myself a racist because I hate more white people than any other race. Thats because I know more white people than people of any other persuasion. If I hate you, it has nothing to do with your skin color, you're probably just an asshole. Nothing personal.

Last night, I discussed my penchance for judging people based on their appearance. This does not extend to skin color. Bottomline: You're either cool, or you're sucking up oxygen that the rest of us could be putting to better use.

And, as a honky, I have to confess, I don't really think white people are the most racist people out there. Or maybe, it's that white people just don't go to such great lengths to hide it.

I've seen more black people walk into a white-majority situation, plaster on a fake smile and do the 'Driving Ms. Daisy' shuffle than I care to think about. Hey, if you want to demean yourself, feel free. When I walk into a situation where my mohawk isn't appreciated, you can bet I get aggresive about it. You have a problem with me? Fuck you. Now, do something about it.

I developed a scenario a few years back that I always toss out as food for thought when the subject of racism comes up. If a black man stands up in a crowded room and announces that he is proud to be black, people would view him as a potential leader, right? So, what would happen if a white man stood up in a crowded room and announced he was proud to be white? Uh-oh. That mother fucker is a racist, fo' sho'.

The following is true conversation that took place between myself and a coworker one night, not too long back:

Me: "They want their chicken blackened? I'll make that shit blacker than Jesus!" (insert sarcastic laughter)

Idiot: "Um...Jesus was white."

Me: " Reread your bible and then check out some pictures of the people from the region that Jesus immigrated from on his way to being born in Bethlehem."

Idiot: "No! Jesus was white. Ain't you never seen his picture*?"
*this word was pronounced as pitcher. I shit you not, you can't make stuff like this up.

You want to solve racism in America? Someone call the Catholic Church and have that German fuck of a Pope look at a map. You don't travel up the Nile into the Holy Lands from Europe. Also, you may want to call Deathrow Records and let them know that the vast majority of their listening audience is white and that having black artists refer to each other in hate raps as niggers is like tossing gasoline on a fire.

Anyone that chuckled at, or pretended to be mortally offended by my use of the word nigger can stop reading right this second, go into their garage and start their car with the door closed. In 2011, that word has all the shock value of the word; asshole.

Who did he think he was talking to a white woman like that? I don't know, honestly. I talk to white women all the time. And, if they're bitches, thats how I talk to them. Maybe...just maybe...he thought you were a fucking bitch, sweetheart.

I think you're a bitch. And hell, I agree that the guy was out of line for speaking to you the way he did. But, it had nothing to do with race, until you made it that way.

As a nation, we're still not that far removed from the slavery mentality. Thats a fact, Jack. 'Nigger' is still the first word on the tips of our tongues when we encounter a black person that crosses us. We still consider black people as superior athletes due to proper breeding by slave owners. Denzel Washington is still the only decent black actor in Hollywood, and all the other African Americans still deny this and say they can't get parts due to their skin color... Sure Mario Van Peebles, we'd love to see Solo II. Not.

And since we've hit Hollywood... Dear Hollywood, I'd love to see a few Lee Harvey Oswalds climb into your famed sign and start taking out producers that think it is okay to substitute mexicans for any and all ethnic portrayals.

My favorite movie of all time is The 13th Warrior. Yet, everytime I watch it, I have to be honest, I'm disturbed by the fact that the leading role of an arab character was given to the most famous mexican actor in Hollywood.

Are we on to mexicans? We sure are.

I'd kill to be a mexican these days. George Lopez can suck my dick. I'm tired of hearing how bad mexicans have it due to racism. Really? Reeeeeeeeally? INS turns a blind eye to half the illegals in this country because states like California would crumble under the economic pressure of trying to pay legalized workers. The illegals get free health care and don't pay taxes. You could call me Pepe all damn day for that lifestyle, you prick.

And asian people? Well, learn to drive, then we'll talk.

Racism is always going to exist. That is a no brainer. We're sheeple and anything different scares the shit out of us. We backlash and move on. Such is life.

We try too hard to deny it. I love when people say: "I don't care if you're black,  yellow, green or purple..." I do. I care. I want to see some purple titties. Damn right. Green cooter? Okay, not so much...

But, I digress. I have another six pack too close at hand and a mind that doesn't understand cencorship or sensitivity.

On the plus side, a waitress at work pulled me off to the side today to tell me that she finally read my blog and enjoyed it. This is one of the few coworkers I have whose opinion I value. It rather made my day. And, honestly, I was getting concerned. From the time I had posted my last drunken diatribe at 2:30 in the morning until I left for work at 10:30 the following morning, I had had 38 readers. No comments, just 38 people with nothing better to do during those hours than read my blog?


  1. I thoroughly enjoy reading your rants about stupidity.

  2. It feels like I've heard/read this rant before...
    Whatever, interesting post. A little haphazard and scattered, but nonetheless an entertaining read.

    By the way, this post got linked to from the chat, hence how I stumbled across it.