Thursday, March 24, 2011

Good to the Last Drop of My IQ

Whomever coined the phrase: there is no such thing as a stupid question, was either a bald faced liar or the biggest buffoon to ever set foot on this planet. Or maybe, they weren't a coffee drinker.

"Do you want regular or decaf?," the bartender asks me after I request that she put me on a fresh pot of coffee.

It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I'm not a senior citizen. I'm working an all day shift. I have bags under my eyes that a spoiled rich bitch could use to tote around her imitation dog.

Do I want regular or decaf? I want you to shut your whore mouth when men are speaking and make me some fucking coffee, woman. Coffee. If I wanted hot, brown water, I could probably have just turned on the tap and made that happen in this cestpool of a kitchen.

There are two fluids that grace my palette, daily. Beer and coffee. I have the same expectation for both of them. The darker the better, and they better kick my ass as I drink them.

I'm not interested in a double mocha anything. I want black coffee. In a ceramic mug. I want the shit that was served in a 1950s diner for 25 cents. And, I will fix it myself, thanks anyway.

In case you guys can't tell, I'm serious about my coffee. It is the first thought on my mind when I crawl my sorry ass out of bed each day. In fact, it may be the only time through out the day that I'm overwhelmed with a yearning for something non-sexual. Yes, it's that serious.

I do nothing until I have had a cup of coffee. We're not speaking, I'm not moving from in front of the coffee pot (mug in hand), until I have had that first cup. As far as I'm concerned, coffee is what Christ's tears must have tasted like.

Decaf coffee is a beverage like the Hanson brothers were men. Get the fuck outta here. Why don't you ask me if I want a non-alcoholic beer next? Or maybe some non-penetration sex? How about a cocaine-free crack rock?

If you have a vice, either indulge in it, or don't. Make believe is for children.

Decaf coffee ranks right up there with instant coffee. These things are an abortion. They are an abomination of all things good and holy in this world. The anti-christ will rise from the depths of Hell with a travel mug full of Starbucks instant decaf mocha latte, mark my words. If you want a hot beverage that won't keep you up at night and will soothe your nerves, have a cup of tea. Hell, do it because it's patriotic. Our country was founded by tea drinking rebels. Just, please, don't transcend the planes of idiocy and fuck around with my cup of joe.

I really don't think it is asking much of life to walk into any establishment and order a cup of coffee without being forced to jump through the hoops of moronic questions that this has come to entail. If you want something that isn't actual coffee, the burden should be put on you to clarify. I want the standard, the original, the real-fucking deal. I should be able to approach any vendor that sells coffee and simply state: "I'd like a cup of coffee" and have a mug of Colombia's second most famous export poured for me without hassle. It should be black. It should be in a mug. You know what flavor it should automatically come in? Coffee, motherfucker.

Coffee should taste like coffee. No one walks into McDonalds and orders the chicken flavored burger. If you want something hazelnut/ vanilla/ kenya flavored, that's your business, and your responsibility to make happen.

You want to flavor my coffee in a manner that will get me to stray from the shit Juan Valdez and his burro haul in from the fields? Allow me to present some suggestions of coffee flavors I would be tempted to try: beer, bacon, gravy, dead hooker, and string cheese. Otherwise, I'll just have a cup of regular-unfucked-with.

And, as long as I'm on a tirade about nature's nectar... If you advertise a 'bottomless cup of coffee', you need to employ servers that are willing to bring the coffee pot by the table more than once during my visit. Nothing pisses me off more than scouting a restaurant for my waitress as I sit with an empty coffee cup in front of me. I could have replicated your shitty breakfast at home and kept my mug full with ease.

Do I want regular or decaf? I want to club a baby seal to death everytime I hear that question, thats what I want.

I don't order drinks that come with paper umbrellas. The word 'lite' is not attached to anything that enters my body. I stand up when I piss and the closest I come to prayer is a healthy "God Dammit!" when things go awry.

90% of my caloric intake comes from liquids. True story. I'm a guy. I eat maybe one meal a day, and that one I eat over the kitchen sink if my girlfriend isn't home.

Asking me if I want decaf coffee is like asking a midget if they want a booster seat. I'm offended. Truly. Save that shit for some metrosexual that ran out to get his eyebrows waxed and a manicure.

You know what I really want, besides a cup of coffee? I want you to turn off the auto-pilot and fucking think.


  1. That right there was a Class A Dennis Leary style rant. I'd like to welcome real men back to America, been gone too long!

  2. It's funny reading this from a guy who just got off work from an "auto-pilot" job.